Sleepless
by Antharyn
Summary: Izuru just wants Shuuhei to understand.


They sat without speaking, side by side, looking out into the darkness

They sat without speaking, side by side, looking out into the darkness. It was his idea; he asked Kira to come with him. But he had no particular place in mind, nothing planned, and nowhere to go and somehow they ended up atop the Shrine of Penitence, sitting together in silence while the rest of Soul Society slept.

Kira sat with his arms around his knees, his spine stiff, and his eyes staring out at something in the distance. Shuuhei knew he wouldn't be able to find what the blond was looking at if he tried. It seemed that the blond wanted to say something but didn't know how to go about it. Shuuhei didn't try to help him; just sat back and waited, studying his friend as he did so.

The blond was still in his yukata, the light material billowing in the wind. He hadn't bothered changing into anything when Shuuhei barged into his quarters a mere half hour ago asking him to come with him. He had followed the older shinigami out without a word. In retrospect, Shuuhei should have insisted the blond change into something warmer because Kira got cold easily, a fact that could only be exacerbated now that the blond was thinner. And so tired-looking; a far, far cry from what he used to be back in the academy. Dark circles around his eyes marred his pale face indicating lack of sleep and Shuuhei wondered if he should have just let Kira rest tonight, a thought he almost immediately discarded, knowing the blond wouldn't have slept anyway. He knew Kira well enough to be sure about it. It was why they were here in the first place.

Something in the younger shinigami had been calling out to him, from the fake smiles to the forced laughter—things the older shinigami had overlooked before but had finally noticed in the end. Kira _needed_ to be here with him right now. Shuuhei only had to ask. He may have been the one to ask the younger shinigami to come with him tonight but they were here on Kira's terms. He suddenly wished he sat on the side where Kira's blond hair couldn't hide his face.

"You don't like it that I killed him."

Shuuhei started at the sound of Kira's voice. It was barely above a whisper but it seemed to shatter something in night air. The blond was staring at him now, his eyes pinpricks of blue light in the darkness, regarding him intently and he realized that he had somehow missed the instant when Kira turned to look at him. What Kira just said wasn't a question; it was a statement of a fact but Shuuhei was compelled to answer.

There was a long pause before he did. "No. I don't."

The blond wasn't fazed. "You think I should have done something else. That I should have let someone else do it."

More statements. No questions. Still…

"Yeah." He answered. He didn't like the admission, didn't like insulting Kira this way. But he couldn't help himself. He wouldn't lie.

"What would you have done?"

He blinked but never wavered from Kira's stare. "I don't know." He said softly then looked away. It was a question he had asked himself from the beginning and even after the end. He told himself it was a good thing that he didn't have to find out the answer.

He suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder, pulling at him until he turned back to face his friend. "Look at me." He did. The blond's eyes were hard. "You would have done the same thing."

Shuuhei nodded but wasn't quite convinced.

Kira shook his head, his blue eyes glinted like stone. "You would have. Because there was no other choice. I couldn't let Rangiku…it would have killed her to…" There was an unmistakable sadness in his voice. "I had to, Shuu."

"I know." He said, suddenly ashamed though for what he didn't know. He had never given Ichimaru's death in the hands of Kira much thought other than that he inexplicably didn't like it. That Ichimaru deserved it was certain but the effect it had on Kira…he didn't like the idea of the traitor's blood on his best friend's hands. He would have rather killed the bastard himself.

Then he realized what made him Kira up here, why his friend wanted him to bring him up here. The blond wanted to justify what he did and to make him understand. Kira knew Shuuhei didn't like it, Ichimaru dying at the expense of Kira's virtue and Kira still having nightmares about it. Killing your Captain was not the same as killing a hollow. But Kira had done it and it had scarred him.

And Shuuhei had judged him.

A strong gust of wind blew past them making the smaller shinigami shiver and Shuuhei moved to pull him close so that the blond was pressed against him but Kira pulled away.

"What I did was necessary." He said quietly. "I need you to understand that."

Shuuhei nodded. What Kira was really saying was that he could handle the repercussions of his Captain's death. What he couldn't handle was Shuuhei thinking he couldn't. And the older shinigami felt guilt well up inside him as he realized that he had been rubbing salt on Kira's open wounds instead of helping to heal them. While the blond's scars were healing slowly, Shuuhei wanted them gone.

In the end he ended up hurting Kira even more.

"I'm sorry, 'zuru." He said softly. The younger shinigami smiled at the nickname but his eyes were bright with unshed tears. "Fuck, I'm a dumbass." He continued. "All this time and you…shit, what does it matter what I think anyway?"

Kira blinked. "What you think matters a lot to me, Shuu." He blushed and looked away. Shuuhei felt his own face heat up in response. He sighed and pulled his best friend into a hug. This time Kira let him.

"It shouldn't." He said, kissing Kira's hair lightly. "I'm sorry." He didn't know what else to say.

Kira smiled and leaned into him. "You're an idiot." He said jokingly but his voice still trembled. Shuuhei tightened his arms around the blond once before pulling them both up to stand. As they did, the younger shinigami turned away to stifle a yawn.

Shuuhei laughed and slung an arm over Kira's shoulder. "Let's get you home before you topple over."

The blond chuckled. "Sounds good," he said, smiling, and Shuuhei felt relieved the mood had lightened up a bit.

The walk back to Kira's quarters was quiet. Shuuhei had his arm around the blond all the way.

**END.**


End file.
